Giving and receiving feedback

As a culture, we have built a stigma around what it means to give and receive feedback. We often hold a fear of judgement, or being deemed unworthy. 

Humans are a social species. Sociologists who have researched and quantified some of our deepest fears actually found rejection, humiliation, and being deemed insignificant among the top of the list. When considering most of human history it becomes clear why. A thousand years ago, being rejected from your social group was dangerous, and could have spelled real harm. Rejection from society could have meant a lack of protection, lack of access to basic needs like food and shelter.

So while it is true that feedback is a form of judgement, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t need to be linked to the heavy connotations that the term “judgement” often holds. In this case judgement could be interchanged just as easily with assessment, reflection, or observation. 

This is something that we need to reckon with and find balance, because while feedback is very much related to some of the things we fear most as a species; I believe thoughtful feedback to be among the very best gifts that you can give or receive. 

To shift the focus from “judgement” to “gift”, ask yourself: how can I be more effective? How can my or our work be more productive for the people that we serve? Because when you ask for feedback through that lens, you shift the focus. Feedback becomes - not a prosecution of your worthiness as a leader - but instead a gift that answers your question: How can I or we be more effective?

Another component of our stigma towards feedback is the cycle in which we ask for it. Often limited to performance reviews and big surveys, we end up receiving a large amount of feedback all at once. This lends to the feeling that feedback is onerous. Break out of this cycle by making it routine. Ask for and offer feedback often. This allows us to “build the muscle” of giving and receiving feedback and makes it manageable.

Tips for giving feedback

Check your intention

Similarly to receiving feedback, when you want to give someone feedback, I encourage you to start by getting clear about why you want to offer this feedback. If you really just want to give them a piece of your mind, that is not a gift. Feedback is a gift when what you share will help them to be better in the future.

Be careful of your assumptions as to why

Speak to the behavior you see and watch out for assumptions. Leading with “I statements” helps. Focus on your observations, not your perception or interpretations of their actions.

Be mindful of timing and turf

Are they in the middle of something, or do they have a lot on their plate? Find a time that is most accommodating for all parties involved. And if your feedback cannot wait, be intentional about communicating why that is.

Most importantly, be courageous!

As a leader, the more comfortable you get with receiving and giving feedback, the more responsive and effective you and your organization will be.

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J.Marie is a seasoned communications strategist and leadership trainer who helps public leaders build trust, communicate with clarity, and strengthen community connection. Explore the full range of practical, real-world J.Marie & Associates trainings at jmarie.associates/trainings.

If you missed the podcast episode for this blog post, check it out here: Your Friend in Leadership Podcast with J.Marie — J.Marie & Associates