Dealing with Conflict
This topic is uncomfortable for many of us. It is common to hold negative ideas about conflict as it is often associated with anger. Some of us feel anger is always bad. Others live like we get our energy from the strength of that emotion. The truth is somewhere in the middle.
Anger points to something out of balance, something that needs our attention. When we either stuff anger down or live in a constant state of it, we limit our effectiveness as leaders. So, when you are ready to engage in an issue that is inspiring conflict, start by becoming mindful of where you are in relation to your own anger on the subject.
In this podcast episode, I start by sharing a personal story that can help us reframe our approach to conflict. From that experience, I learned some valuable lessons that I now bring to leadership and consulting.
One is to frame the conflict as a third person in the situation. Rather than feeling like it is you against the other person, reframe it as you and them against the conflict or problem. I even advocate sitting side by side with people when working on conflict. There are subtle psychological benefits. Sitting across a table or otherwise in a face-to-face orientation is more aggressive: it embodies the idea that you are butting heads. Side by side feels more like “the two of us against the problem.”
Here are some additional tips for dealing with conflict:
Give people a piece of paper to doodle on or a whiteboard to list ideas. It helps to have a visual representation of the issue.
If you can, get people moving. Going for a walk is a powerful way to diffuse energy. Our strong emotions tend to build internal energy. And being side by side on a walk can be of additional benefit.
Be careful with the words you use. If you talk about a conflict, argument, problem, all of those feel heavy and not much fun. But if you reframe the conflict as a puzzle to be solved, people may be more drawn to engage positively.
Use empowering language up front that assumes you will resolve the issue, that you will achieve common ground, that you have confidence that we can work through this and reach agreement on the other side.
Attend to your body language – show your openness to new ideas and your trust in those who are working with you to solve the puzzle.
We delve more deeply into this topic in this episode of Your Friend in Leadership, to give you more understanding and more tools for those situations when you must deal with conflict.
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